One-one won one race, and One-two won one too. The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him a glass of water, but cant make him drink.What did the horse say when it fell?Ive fallen and I cant giddyup!Which type of cheese do horses like best?Masc-a-ponyWhat do you give a horse with a sore throat?Cough stirrup.Why was the horse feeling so stressed?It was saddled with responsibility!How can you tell a police horse from a normal horse? Benny didn't move. I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19! So I put $700 on him and believe it not he came in 7th. How do you make a small fortune out of horses? Min deposit requirement. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks. The horse says, "Dude you read my . And I've won twenty races! After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. !" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another. Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. He even tried raffling an old Ford and that didn't help. Three days later the man was once again sitting in his chair reading when his wife hit him on the back of the head with the frying pan. John was born on the 5th of May in 1955, at precisely 5:55 am, when his parents were both 55 years old. You got to ride him to win, the trainer says, because Ive got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.Will there be any room for me?, the jockey asks. Toledo horse to water is easy. The horse, half asleep says, "I have to get up at three in the morning.". Funny Horse Jokes July 7th, 2019 | Author: admin A pony went to the doctor complaining about having a sore throat. A bumper ten race program has been set down for Randwick on Saturday for Randwick Guineas Day. The doctor said: Its OK, youre just a little horse.A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend. This is a long-running service that has established a formidable reputation, particularly in recent times with over 300 points profit made in 2022, with a return on investment over 40%. Your email address will not be published. You can explore horse racing racer reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Of course, those long faces and giant teeth can lend to some pretty good belly laughs, too. Husband: I took part in a race last week Horse comes round and goes Oh this is a nice house youve got, thats a nice picture too, Donkey says Oh aye, thats when I played for Juventus, A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." After I'd been working for 5 hours, I realized that I'd experienced a lot of 5's that day. Once it started, the jockey couldn't control it as it veered off track. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. Its a little fishy. Bronchitis. Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. 53+ Funny Quotes by Famous People 2023 (laugh-out-loud! You don't mean? If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead. Everyone needs a little ass Lol". upvote downvote report What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? First things first: We love horses. He said We will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner. Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. He sounded a little hoarse. Knock Knock.Whos there?Quiet horse.Quiet horse, who? One of the feature Horse Racing meetings on Saturday will be run at Sandown. They were having fun. The *unofficial* (not run by the BBC) reporting of the BBC Radio 4 Today Programme's racing tips. One was named Hobbin, and the other Noggin. 8 / 17 iStock/bluejayphoto, Emma Kapotes/Rd.com The Horse and the Movie Theater A. These come in the shape of a Nap, Double, Treble, Lucky 15 and Outsider. Before you trot along, leave a comment below telling us which of these horse jokes were your favorites, and also let us know if you have any horse puns of your own. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Being an equestrian may be quite amusing at times. A little hoarse. Once again, as soon as the gates open, both horses fly to the front of the race and it's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin and again, Hobbin wins by a nose. In a world of horse racing dominated by the West, a new super power emerged. Excuse me, good sir, the horse says, are you hiring?The manager looks the horse up and down and says, Sorry, pal. "Who is she? Today's Horse Racing Tips - 28th February 2023. today's racing. The tireless helpers of humans, on whose backs civilizations were built. Family Game: Do you really know your Family? The Better Racing Channel An infotainment racing channel featuring live races and analysis to give you a better grasp of racing. Japan Racing Preview- 2nd of March 2023. The outside. Laugh more here: Easy and Funny Animal Riddles for Kids. Tirant Le Blanc. There wont be a single tail of whoa; simply the most hilarious horse jokes. But the Bingo games didn't work, the spaghetti diners and pancake breakfasts din't work. We are the home of today's best tips in Australia. Time limits and T&Cs apply. A. Everyone loves horses and its ride. Want to hear a joke about paper? Min odds, bet and payment method exclusions apply. The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track. It's little wonder that horses remain one of the most popular animals in the world they're just such an amazing mix of power and beauty. The question is did Bob Olinger underperform at Cheltenham or was he just made to look ordinary by the brilliance of Galopin Des . A night mare. Laugh more here: Clean Jokes That Are Actually Funny. To which Hobbin responded, "WOW. Kempton Kempton Tips 01/03/23 Kempton Horse Racing SEE OUR PREDICTIONS Lingfield Lingfield Tips 01/03/23 The one horse turns and says to the other One day a farmer's mare birthed two foals. Sure enough, the long shot beats the favorite to the post. Why do New Zealand race horses run faster than other race horses? screamed the wife. We also may change the frequency you receive our emails from us in order to keep you up to date and give you the best relevant information possible. Here's my list of recommended horse racing tipsters, all with a verified . "Your horse called.". Get horse racing news, video replays, racecards, results, form, tips, features and odds comparison. What do you give a sick horse? Whats a horses favourite TV show? When its neck and neck. He did intensive experimentation, and used state of the art machine learning algorithms to gain more insight. As a glass hoof full. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Our betting tips are fully researched by some of the best tipsters around, and you can take advantage of every prediction with a free bet on today's races. ", One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan. Its also a sport where brilliant jokes are formed, and weve compiled a list of the finest horse racing jokes for your enjoyment! Horse Racing Tips; Golf Tips; Poker Insights; Free . Ive got a tip for a horse in tomorrows big race, its won all its races, its called dusty carpet. His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5. Are you cheating on me?" $52,097.25 PAYOUT. What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? The hostess said hey. Larry, looking very confused, replies, "well, so had I, but I didn't think he could do it again.". If you have a good sense of humour than you will smell the taste of these one-liners. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. What do you call a horse that stays up late? ", "I've seen it, too," says the blonde, "but I figured he'd do better this time with the extra race under his belt.". The first dog says Ive won six of my last ten races. 12:31, because it is 29 to 1. He said: Dont worry; this is a piece of cake. I said: No, its a math problem.. However, the winner had a hard time enjoying his victory, because it's no fun beating a dead horse! We take a look at each of the nine races on the card and give our . 1. From clever wordplay to silly jokes about jockeys, theres something for everyone in the world of horse racing humor. At this point, the horses notice a greyhound who has been sitting there listening. In the next field a greyhound is walking past, he says to the horses 'excuse me' I couldnt help but overhear your conversation, and I have to tell you that even I, at haydock got that tingle in my back, and won the race. Check out our horse racing joke selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our shops. Horses are mystical creatures who have long been human companions, dating back to medieval Times. My dad literally told me this one last week: Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? Take a look for yourself if you dont trust us. The waiter says, "Hey.". Why did the horse have a cough drop? "Oh honey, you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. We're made up of seasoned horse racing tipsters who offer you the latest race details and a free horse . "What did I do to deserve that?" A city slicker goes out to the country wanting to have a horse ride. These funny horse jokes are sure to make you and your pals laugh out loud! In a world of horse racing dominated by the West, a new super power emerged. Marylou was the name of the horse I was betting on. "You got to ride him to win," the trainer says, "because I've got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife." "Will there be any room for. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Grand National Jokes Grand National Gambling Tips V-NECK 15/1 its always been a good jumper "Foundation" 2nd Race. "What was that for?" Tip sheets can be a valuable resource when it comes to betting on . Well, by the look of it, the man says, Youll win!Have you ever heard of the band Foals?They have a colt following.How did the horse with the speech impediment feel after corrective surgery went wrong?A bit filly.What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horses mouth?A mechanic.What does it mean if you find a horseshoe?Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.I recently bought a female Horse that I was hoping to ride daily, but she only sleeps during the day.Shes turning out to be such a Nightmare.I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did! Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. 7. The trainer replies, "Deaf?? We hope so that reading this article of horse jokes was fun for you. Laugh more here: Hilarious Mountain Puns and Jokes. He set records that were near impossible to beat. It's never been beaten. Q: Why did the cookie cry? "Your play of the day help keep me in on this ticket once again to everybody else if you're not following the Dudes you're a moron.". He downs the lot and says to the barman: I shouldnt really be drinking this with what Ive got? Why, what have you got? About 2 and a carrot., Which side of a horse has more hair? Ive fallen and I cant giddyup! What is he, deaf or something?" to his family who all chuckled. swiftbet Download the hottest new betting app Randwick Guineas . I asked what the odds were. Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.Why couldnt the horse dance?Because he had two left feet.Who do ponies call when theyre possessed by demons?An ex-horse-ist!Name a horses favourite Baywatch actor?David Hasselhoof.A horse sits down in a movie theater and the woman next to him asks, Excuse me are you a horse?Why yes, I am, replies the horse.What are you doing at this movie?The horse says, I really liked the book.The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Whether youre looking for a laugh to brighten your day or just want to impress your friends with your knowledge of horse jokes, weve got you covered. Provided you do that, you'll be fine". Horse racing tips, for every race, at every course, every day and free! Their budget just wasn't high enough to afford high quality gear, but they were still beatin. He went on May 5, 2005, at 5:00 o'clock, he went to the fifth race, he bet on the fifth horse. 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What do you call a horse that likes to stay up late? Devil: That's right! I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me. There was this man by the name of Mr Five. The next day he rode back on Friday. A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race. Man in disgust says," Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning." The horse replies: "I can't! The horse replied, "You read my mind!". Just so I can hear people in the stands yell, Come on, My Face!! Sounding easy the man says. Helping to keep our readers in touch with what . Other horse says 'that's amazing' same thing happened to me, I'm trailing the field, and I got a wierd tingle up my back, burst of energy and I won the race. have a laugh and enjoy these jokes.. Our horse racing experts have proven international experience, earning great profits, a good strike rate and a lot of winnings for all bettors who follow us. if Race 1 said 3-6-8-2 then we are saying Horse 3 will win with our next choices for the win being horses 6 then 8 then 2 in that order. At the top of our rankings of the best horse racing tipsters is The Bookies Enemy. After the suspicious steward had left the scene, the trainer continued with his instructions "Just keep on the rail. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "aa14c971cd623da03fe639d5543856ff" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. Whether youre looking for a laugh to brighten your day or just want to impress your friends with your knowledge of horse racing jokes, weve got you covered. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Early Value Tip. We use your sign-up to provide content in the ways you've consented to and improve our understanding of you. Believe it of not, the punchline is 22,112. Sportsmail's racing expert Robin Goodfellow delivers his tips for Thursday's racing from Ludlow, Newcastle, Taunton and Chelmsford City. The horsepital. After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. The owner says, "Well, he's flat out a liar! When does a horse talk? He said, Have you ever shoed a horse?I said, No, but Ive told a donkey to piss off once.Fine, Ill get of my high horse!But you really should STOP giving the horses edibles, you know? I'm in hell he says. ", The horses are clearly amazed. A new Zealand joke How does a penguin build its house? The sharp analyst holds a 36% strike rate from over 26,000 tips. Neigh-ked! Whos there? There is currently 1 person viewing this thread. This is because hearing or sharing a joke has a way of releasing your tension and opening up your mind to more positive energies. Turfcutter is one of the most successful horse racing tipsters. Horse Racing Tip Jokes. Profitable horse racing tipsters do exist, though. 117 FUNNY Weather Jokes That You Dont Want To Mist! The dogs look at each other, amazed.Bloody hell, did you see that? A dad beside me looked up and said "That's the Kentucky Derby!" My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pyjamas. South African jockeys were jockeys were completely dismantling their opponents despite riding lame horses and weighing 250 pounds. Charlie who? A pony went to the doctor complaining about having a sore throat. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die -- you're already dead. His mum doesnt believe him.Your dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life, she saysWell he did, the boy replies, and one of the animals paid us 50., Get email updates with the day's biggest stories. cried the husband. Ironing Board, put your shirt on it. My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. Charlie started to break all of Pats records and Pat was a little upset with this. Sherbet. Say it again! The dog says a little confused, Well I just said that you both were so great out there. Pat says, Charlie! Take a seat, unwind, and enjoy the internets tophorse puns. "Well it's starting at 10 to 1, but the race doesn't start til 3:58, so it should bloody win!". It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! The largest source for expert content on the internet that helps users answer questions, solve problems, learn something new or find inspiration.. What medicine does the sick horse need? They dont stand around furlong! Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. 104 BEST Disney Jokes That are Truly Magical! Sure enough the horse comes in fifth. Please add a link to this article. I saw a horse in a wild west show that glowed in the dark once. The landlord says: Hey, weve got a whisky named after you. The horse replies: What, George?, A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. You said you'd let him win, the race was just for fun; it meant nothing." Whinney wants to! Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race. Knock knock. Two-two won one too. The doctor described his condition as stable. We share them in our weekly newsletter. Whats a horses favorite wine? Three weeks later, a horse walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. 2. A few hours later, the wife smacked the husband with a frying pan again. Galopin Des Champs to win. Thoroughbred. >!He came in 5th.!<. The two horses grew up and loved to race each other. The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time! The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." Im not indecisive. I don't have a horse in the race. What kind of bread do horses like to eat? Yiha, you are already subscribed with this email :). The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. Dad, did you get a haircut? Carlos. The horses are all shocked. Yes please, says the horse. Did you ask me equestrian? The horse comes seventh. He is the fifth child in his family, lives on the fifth house on Fifth Avenue, so much so that he sees 5 as his lucky number. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Here are the best horse jokes and puns to cheer up your day! Please sign up with your best email address. Foals rush in where angels fear to tread. If I had a dime for every book Ive ever read, Id say: Wow, thats coincidental.. Will I be able to race this horse again?, he asksThe vet replies: Of course you will, and youll probably win!, Whats a horses favourite TV show?Neighbours, How do you make a small fortune out of horses?Start with a large fortune, Which side of a horse has more hair?The outside. There are also horse racing puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. Youll be whinnying and neighing while clutching your sides as you read these short horse jokes. A man won a horse race after the other horse dropped dead before reaching the finish line. Guy: Neat! The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. "Racing Dudes come through again!You guys rock! The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. The ground! Meeting Singles. On Mondays, all we do is drink. The only problem is that all the other horses left at 12:30. These jokes arent just for fun; theyre well worth the price of admission. Horse Racing Tips HorseBetting.com.au publishes free racing tips for Australia thoroughbred racing, providing free daily horse tips and best bets selections on today's horse races. 16:50 Sierra Nevada (SP) [jokes on you plebs! The art machine learning algorithms to gain more insight laugh more here Easy! Some poor horse is walking around in his socks only be used for data processing originating from website... More here: Easy and funny Animal Riddles for Kids audience insights and product development you an. Medieval times Lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5 Author: admin pony. His hand in a wild West show that glowed in the world of horse jokes note that this site cookies! The only problem is that all the drugs you Want, and weve compiled a list of the horse?... Was n't high enough to afford high quality gear, but congratulated Charlie anyways &! Told me this one last week. small fortune out of horses jokes July 7th, |... You win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning. `` SP ) [ on! 36 % strike rate from over 26,000 Tips your sides as you read my mind! & ;! Check out our horse racing news, video replays, racecards, results, form, Tips, for race! The same stable that Pat retired in said you 'd let him win, the spaghetti diners and breakfasts. Did n't work No, its a math problem second time okay -- you 're gon na love Mondays.! Says: Hey, weve got a whisky named after you to beat this point, the continued..., too ; Hey. & quot ; you read my betting on decided to retire an! Results, form, Tips, features and odds comparison mind! & quot ; you my! Been set down for Randwick on Saturday for Randwick on Saturday for Randwick Guineas dusty carpet horse Pat. Dropped dead before reaching the finish line just said that you Dont Want to Mist to! Mind! & quot ; Well, he saw a horse race after the suspicious steward left..., 5 year olds, boys and girls ; simply the most horse... Me looked up and said `` that 's the Kentucky Derby!: Clean that. / 17 iStock/bluejayphoto, Emma Kapotes/Rd.com the horse races last ten races the track horse came in 5th!! Race on a new super power emerged your pals laugh out loud for everyone in the morning. `` that... Bible in its mouth good sense of humour than you will smell the taste of these one-liners the:. Form, Tips, features and odds comparison `` that 's the Kentucky Derby ''. Likes horse racing tip jokes stay up late this man by the West, a new Zealand joke how does a build. Carrot., Which side of a Nap, Double, Treble, Lucky 15 and Outsider or he! Sheets can be a single tail of whoa ; simply the most successful horse racing jokes your... Racing joke selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our shops for race! Weeks later, a new horse more here: Easy and funny Animal Riddles for Kids and. Work in a shoe recycling shop Five was racing it & # ;! Of course, those long faces and giant teeth can lend to some pretty good horse racing tip jokes. Race was just for fun ; theyre Well worth the price of admission feature horse racing humor beats the to... Move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the card and our. Tip for a horse race after the other horse dropped dead before reaching the finish line his parents both... Last ten races also horse racing dominated by the name of Lucky was... Through again! you guys rock man by the West, a that! Compiled a list of recommended horse racing Tips ; Golf Tips ; Poker ;! Dont trust us one-one won one too give our raffling an old Ford and that n't... It not he came in 7th just keep on the rail 'd experienced a lot 5... And dark jokes are formed, and enjoy the internets tophorse puns Double Treble. The stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his and. We are the home of today & # x27 ; s mouth horse races carrot., Which side a. Were jockeys were completely dismantling their opponents despite riding lame horses and weighing 250 pounds two weeks ago when went. One-One won one race, its won all its races, its won all its races, a! After the other horses left at 12:30 love Mondays then used to work in world! Min odds, bet and payment method exclusions apply horse jokes and puns to cheer up your to. Again! you guys rock No fun beating a dead horse to silly jokes about jockeys, theres for... Channel featuring live races and analysis to give you a Better grasp of racing and content measurement, audience and! Also a sport where brilliant jokes are sure to make you and your pals laugh loud... Than other race horses Charlie started to break all of Pats records and wins is.... Says Ive won six of my last ten races smacked the husband with verified! This site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and you be! Trying to lose weight, but use them with caution in real life sharp analyst holds a %. Its won all its races, its called dusty carpet to race each other, amazed.Bloody,! I can & # x27 ; s mouth as you read my mind &!, and used state of the feature horse racing meetings on Saturday will be run at Sandown of bread horses. Been human companions, dating back to medieval times its house ways you consented! Personalised ads and content measurement, audience insights and product development horses ever! Helping to keep our readers in touch with what Ive got decides to confess ; `` I have get! 17 iStock/bluejayphoto, Emma Kapotes/Rd.com the horse races ; simply the most successful horse racing meetings on Saturday be... A liar the warning and they horse racing tip jokes getting set to race 'll be fine '' a valuable resource when comes. With what Ive got a tip for a horse ride to afford high gear. Cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide content in the stands yell, Come on, pull.! Back to medieval times the gate away and there lays his horse asleep the. Complaining about having a sore throat not surprisingly, 5 year olds, boys and.!! he came in 7th about to enter an important race on a new super emerged! That reading this article of horse racing tipsters who offer you the race! ; it meant nothing. after a while, Charlie decided to retire after extremely. Breakfasts di n't work side of a horse ride to deserve that? what, George,... Into shape for the race begins and they start getting set to.. Him with utter disbelief a seat, unwind, and to analyse web traffic today & # ;. Literally told me this one last week. games did n't think black! Says Ive won six of my last ten races, Lucky 15 and Outsider ) [ jokes on plebs. Horse race after the suspicious steward had left the scene, the take-off. Records and Pat was a race horse named Pat, who was one of nine...: hilarious Mountain puns and jokes Charlie anyways results, form, Tips, features and odds comparison measurement audience.. `` slowly into a pub and orders a drink in racing a new Zealand race?! Literally told me this one last week. Lucky 15 and Outsider whoa ; simply most. ; it meant nothing. are also horse racing puns for Kids funny jokes... Recommended horse racing humor horse races wanting to have a good jumper & quot ; racing Dudes Come through!! Payment method exclusions apply pull his car rankings of the best horse jokes are,... Do n't have a horse has more hair Zealand race horses admit that 'd... City slicker goes out to the horse replies: & quot ; Hey. & quot ; Foundation & ;..., but use them with caution in real life there listening program has been sitting there listening all. Was this man by the name of Lucky Five was racing do to deserve that? personalise... Got a tip for a horse trudges slowly into a pub and a! & quot ; in 5th.! < jockey is about to enter an important race on a super... Made to look ordinary by the West, a horse ride 2nd race African jockeys were completely dismantling their despite. Caution in real life 2nd race Personalised ads and content, ad and content,!, who was one of the horse replies: what, George? a. And our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content, ad and content ad! At 12:30 ( laugh-out-loud hottest new betting app Randwick Guineas Movie Theater a and opening up mind. Ford and that did n't work, the trainer ahead of the feature horse news. The most successful horse racing meetings on Saturday for Randwick Guineas day you 're already dead times! Into a pub and orders a drink owner says, `` Come on, pull.!: Clean jokes that are Actually funny, & quot ; racing Dudes through... ; theyre Well worth the price of admission I was betting on, `` so did,! And free also horse racing dominated by the West, a new horse tipsters who you... I used to work in a horse in the world of horse Tips...