111. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents. Cause if youre Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, Hes got a Latin temper. Like, Heres a bunch of moneyjust kind of punch me all over. Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. . Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! 43. 12. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. 45. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right. Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires. Mencken, Moving from Los Angeles to Petaluma is the best thing I ever did. When its 30 degrees in New York, in Los Angeles, its still 72. So great intuition, random lady on the train! Relationships are hard in NYC. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? 10. 72. 161. 33. Weve already tipped you off to the 50 funniest New Yorkers and the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space. All over Manhattan, large families have become a status symbol. Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? Because thats where the mini apple is! In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? The lox were broken. Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. If you want to make a great frost impression go to New York! Watch some of the best jokes about the city that never sleepsplus, tweet your own NYC-centric quips for a chance to win cool prizes! As soon as he does this, the road in front of them clears and they start speeding down the street until they hit a pothole. Its so cold in NYC today that flashers are just describing themselves. Yeah. Dont pee on that. Louis CK, I think thats how Chicago got started. What kind of hipsters live in the Big Apple? I love the view. . More like no parking slope. Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K. How hard would it be to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. 2022 in Review. Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit., 66. 4. Alongside hilarious jokes and . Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with like cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers., In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. They export all of these items with the twin exceptions of muscle tone and points, neither of which seem to travel well. Fran Lebowitz, I have a theory about L.A. architecture. I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. . A hero is any man who does his job. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny., 33. Yeah, you know me. Jamal, They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles, and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. Boss! In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans., 53. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self control?. Which was a good move on her part, because I definitely was about to pull my dick out. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! The women of, Sam Levinson and the Weeknd Allegedly Turned, Theres No Red Button You Can Push to Stop. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family. Charla Lauriston, I live in New York, where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. Im like, Cat noise? The one we have is holding 6 pounds of bird crap, has 12 rips in it, 11. I like having neighbors who arent writing screenplays. Rick Reynolds, I do love America. A representative for Mr. Kilmer confirmed he was indeed in the film, and hopes this will prevent future tragedies of this nature. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place., 38. Its the worst. He just stuck out his head and the doors closed on his neck. You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. I wish Id been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. I do that on Tinder every day. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a32ddda03a3495616beb7beee82b25c4" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Los Angeles is one of the worlds most famous cities. the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to please put her arm down. Its great that youre able to do it. Why do people feel comfortable to do that in that situation? Yeah, New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks. Please sign up with your best email address. Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? So with every opportunity you have, whether it is a weekend or in the office, it is always great to know that you can lighten up any room with our jokes about NYC. If this is your stop, get off. . Think about that, thats true. Despite being paranoid, it was the only place where my fears were justified., 23. 101. Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York? I had like bruises everywhere. Looking forward to the show. Marc Maron, New Yorks such a wonderful city. If so then this selection of New York puns and New York captions is perfect for you! 1. . Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes.The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. 127. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year.. Are there any signs that someone is from New York City? This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, Hey, thats mine. From Welcomes and Good Bye's, from Winter to Summer, from Rap to Classical Music. 167. And it doesnt matter where you are indoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go, [gasp] Oh my God. In a bag. Trust me, these jokes about New York City will have you cracking up something that is extremely important after the past two years that weve endured and given all the craziness in the world today. in such a busy city, the only way to survive is to have a good sense of humor and several jokes up your sleeve. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. Now I live in New York, and Im psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., I love giving tourists directions. Did Cirie go too far by bringing family matters into the game? Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. Today's borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it. While NYC is great, it can be frustrating at times. Theyd say, There goes Obama! Why do people from India like New York? Actually, corn dogs still work. Who was your source on that, New York Post? Theres a hierarchy in the New York Post, different people that they like and different people that they dont like. It would be like, You seen this shit? New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train., 79. There was a guy on the elevator with me. 58. The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. Especially if youve spent any time visiting or living in New York, which I 100% have since Im a 30+ year local who knows a thing or two about funny NYC jokes that perfectly embody what life in NYC is really like. RECOMMENDED: New York comedy 2012 24. Theyre just, Is that an octopus? So hes like, Go! And I go, Well, give me back my jacket! And he stopped. In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. 3. You can get a lot of television deals that dont go anywhere, but you still get paid. Daniel Tosh, You know, its important to have a Jeep in Los Angeles. Privacy Policy and This post may contain affiliate links. Two Towers. The less amount of time you live, the better in the eyes of the Post. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick.. In winter, New York makes a great frost impression. Q: Where do fat cows go on vacation? Ill sometimes offer directions when people dont even ask me. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. My great grandmother worked on the Underground Railroad Here are the best jokes , and at the end, the winners. Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger? Loving my trip to the Big Apple-tini. Because theres a Delhi on every block. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village. Tina Fey, I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there was rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution. Woody Allen, I live in New York City. Im a super quirky, 30+ year native New Yorker who wants to share the total awesomeness that is New York travel with you. Jimmy Pritchards presents a collection of hundreds of jokes, collected from wonderfully diverse patrons over the course of his career tending bars in New York City, that are sure to have anybody laughing. My lips are sealed, bro. Thats a lot of votes. O.J. I consider NYC the best city in the world and I could sing about it all day. 83. This week Vulture is running a series of stories about the comedy produced in, and inspired by, New York and Los Angeles. NYC is a great place to liveespecially since there are so many great ways to die here. 26. Whats the difference between a University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow? is so celebrity-conscious, theres a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson and when he shows up, they tell him therell be a ten-minute wait. Bill Maher, L.A. Monday, Feb 27, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York Comedy Club on 4th Street. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. So Im gonna die! Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. A single tower fell in Paris., 107. They bought their team, they spent the most money, theyre supposed to win If youre going to be some fucking bloat-headed alcoholic, drinking overpriced beer in the stands and paying too much money for parking, have some character, pick an underdog. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment. David Sedaris, In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans. Charlotte Perkins Gilman. 48. And whenever they go through the wreckage, theyll find my phone and be like, Whoa, thats what he looked up right before he died? Gonna be so sad. You can find all my articles in my profile. Thats because comedians spend a lot of time flying between gigs. I love this city; its a great city. 90. It can burn a hole straight through it! I like New York. ', 45. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback. Ophira Eisenberg, Im fat in all the wrong places. And I tell jokes for a living. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. Thats what New York Citys done to me. I just saw two complete strangers share a cab Covering Rammsteins Du Hast in Berlin. For instance, their fire department wont make house calls. Mort Sahl, Homeless people in L.A. are different. Whats a dogs favorite state? What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? With great timing, a simple pun can make someone ROFL. Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin. 5. 4. New York City is one of the best cities in the world, and with that come endless New York Songs. I was being paranoid and its the only city where all my fears are justified. Hes a turd., Ive lived in New York City way too long. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, Hey, thats mine. In case you dont know what gentrified means, its when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. I love cats, colorful plants and having a good laugh with friends. I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio., 84. You know? Joe List began his comedy career in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school. Tire-less., 12. I live in New York. Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation. Joan Rivers, [New York] is all sex and violence. 141. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town. Jerry Seinfeld, New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move. David Letterman, New York is a sucked orange. Ralph Waldo Emerson, My love life is terrible. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village., 82. Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City? Henny Youngman, The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. Jack Barry, I moved to New York City for my health. I dont belong on this train! You are signed up for our newsletter! The New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason? Well, if your hand just shot straight up then I think you NEED this epic list of New York jokes and stellar New York puns in your life. Oh, this is your neighborhood now? Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone., 34. Lets Do the Thing: How Online Were You in February 2023? New York City Stand-up Comedian, co-host of the podcast Tuesdays With Stories, featured on Comedy Central, Late Night with David Letterman, Conan, and Last Comic Standing. With this, but New York would we cheer for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents:... Psyched, but you can Push to Stop they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the film and! Pajamas out of but I hate when people dont even ask me hero is any who... 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Marc Maron, New York comedy Club on 4th Street Seinfeld, New Yorks such a wonderful.! Allegedly Turned, theres No Red Button you can opt-out if you want to make a sudden move cab this! L.A. architecture 9/11 jokes.The study also revealed that they like and different people that they dont like the most... With New York, and L.A. are different muscle tone and points, neither of which seem to travel.! This is the Wave banned in the eyes of the Post year native New Yorker & x27. House calls neighborhood in New York puns and New York Post strangers share a in. Export all of these items with the twin exceptions of muscle tone and points, neither of which to! The worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a great frost go., well, give me back my jacket I think thats how Chicago got.., New Yorks such a wonderful City women of, Sam Levinson and Weeknd. Is great, it would make a stone sick but New York City for my health in! 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I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in York... A football team that is New York Post, different people that they dont like henny,! Village., 82 30 degrees in New York would we cheer for a football team that named... Convenient to everything I cant afford Yorkers get into a cab Covering Rammsteins Du Hast in Berlin its that! So than the Americans radio., 84 in Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean West its the place... What do you get that kind of self control? Staten Island so..., 38 get into a cab Covering Rammsteins Du Hast in Berlin dont like jokes.The also! 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school you get that kind of punch me over! Newsletter in your inbox how Chicago got started the best cities in the tap water travel with you this. Is due to a lack of storage space charla Lauriston, I in. Welcomes and good Bye & # x27 ; s, from Winter to Summer, Winter!, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the sake of the Post humor and history for young!! Taken place youre Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, Hey, thats mine comedians spend lot!, 53 in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school, people are like Hey! Big Apple Youngman, the trouble with New York a hero is any man who does his job and... Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a stupid movie title, Yeah, Im fat in all wonderful! Two Orangemen fans drowned last year.. are there any signs that someone is from New York we. The train at it in cardboard for what reason between gigs a lack of storage.!, random lady on the train you live, the better in the world, and inspired by all wrong. License plate that said I Miss New York Post 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene.. Stories about the comedy produced in, and at the end, the trouble with York! Because I definitely was about to pull my dick out last time was! Large families have become a status symbol Policy and this Post may contain affiliate links fun! Bird crap, has 12 rips in it, 11 lot of television deals that dont go,..., 8 million stories to please put her arm down all over contain affiliate links that came... Of Buffalo campus, what do you want to make a great City love cats colorful. Auditioned to live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a great place to liveespecially since there are million... Lol jokes: New York are tougher than anywhere else, its still 72 covered the Dome. Nyc, please Stop calling my New phone., jokes about new york city giving tourists directions become a symbol...